Book Review: You Can't Make Me by Cynthia Ulrich Tobias

When I read the title of this book in the press release sent to me, 

I KNEW I HAD TO READ IT!

Kiddo has always been 'stubborn'. As an infant we determined she met the criteria of a 'high needs baby' (thanks Dr Sears), and by determining that we understood alot more about why she was SO clinging and not letting us out of her sight. As she got older it helped us understand how she ticked. But then the advent of SCHOOL brought a whole new set of behaviors to address. I wish I had been aware of this book BEFORE she started preschool! We might have saved a WHOLE lot of headaches. Read on to see what I mean

Synopsis: 

For more than ten years, author, educator, and parent Cynthia Tobias in You Can’t Make Me (But I can Be Persuaded) has been helping exasperated parents with proven techniques to motivate, discipline, and communicate with even the most frustrating strong-willed child.

This updated revised paperback is now packed with even more incredibly practical and immediately useful strategies for bringing out the best in strong-willed children, from toddlers to teens.

Difficult to discipline and at times impossible to motivate, strong-willed children present unique, frustrating, and often exhausting challenges to those who care for them. But now, the miracle parents long for can happen.

Offering new hope, achievable goals, and a breath of fresh air to families and teachers, Tobias explains how the mind of a strong-willed child works and how to use that information to the child's best advantage.

Review: I read this book cover to cover, then went back and reread sections. Literally as I was reading it, I was implementing some of Tobias' ideas, and seeing them WORK! Bingo, the bells and whistles went off, I knew Kiddo fit the criteria of a strong willed child. This should have been a no-brainer, as she has what my grandfather used to call the 'family Arkansas stubborn streak a mile wide". And yes, he said that about me AND my mother. SIgh, there is a genetic quotient apparently...and we just won't discuss the environmental one, ok? LOL

Let's start with what ARE the traits of a Strong Willed Child, as defined by the author:

• almost never accepts the word impossible or phrase 'it can't be done', aka don't tell me I can't, I will find the way
• can go from being a loving presence to a immovable force of nature
• considers rules to be more of guidelines, and as long as they are adhering to the 'spirit of the law', should be ok
• has great creativity and resourcefulness, and WILL achieve a goal
• does not want to do something because they are 'supposed to', the action must have personal meaning
• will not obey unconditionally, must negotiate

There are others, but I'm sure those 6 character traits just sent up a red flag for a lot of you! I know they did for me- I literally looked across the sofa to Kiddo and went 'whoa, that is 100% my child", as she had JUST negotiated on picking up toys off the floor! Cue Twilight Zone music anytime! But realizing your kid is strong- willed is only the beginning. Tobias goes on to help you understand HOW your child is hard-wired and the 3 tenets that all of them share:

• it is not the authority they have trouble with, but HOW the authority is communicated
• strong willed kids don't need to control you, they just can't let you take ALL control from them
• the quality of their relationship with you, depends on your parenting strategies

So how do you deal with a strong willed child? It comes down to one central thought- you HAVE to change your parenting technique. You can not be a stern task masker. You will find yourself battling your child every 5 minutes if you are. A couple of the key ideas:

• choose your battles, know when to negotiate to get the desired response- even giving your child a choice of 2/3 items to wear gives your child the feeling that THEY have some control over the situation, yet at the same time, you have controlled the situation as well.
• follow through, but be fair. Unconditional love is the key- learn to be an ally your child can turn to. 

The main thing to do when your child goes off is to take a deep breath, don't yell, and ask them WHY did you do/say that? Forcing your child to be responsible for their action gives you time to stay calm and address the actual issue behind the behavior. This saves a lot of battles for 'no reason' and results in a better communication between parent and child. It may all sound 'new-agey', but I swear it works. In just 2 weeks since finishing the book, I find myself stopping and not yelling, but staying calm and asking 'why' or 'how come', a lot more than I used to. There's been a lot less yelling and screaming on both sides as a result.
Especially with a new routine and new school routines, keeping home life as calm as possible is they key right now. This is not to say there are times Kiddo isn't getting punished, but she knows when she's crossed that line.

Tobias shares excellent examples from her own childrens' lives, and hers, to illustrate what she means in each chapter. She also begins each chapter with a bible verse applicable to the chapter at hand, which is helpful to keep in mind (and that really is the extent of the 'preaching' in the book. She gives you ideas about how to handle your child in their toddler year, elementary and high school years, and then as adults forging a career path, that are very helpful and goal orientated for you, and your child. 

So remember these key concepts, and GO BUY This book, if you have a strong- willed child:

• strong willed children need compelling problems to SOLVE, not chores to do (which is why chore charts may start off great but then fail)
• value your child's ability to see the world for unique perspective (help them to make the most of their strengths)
• protect your relationship with your child- you won't get much cooperation without it (respect and love them, and they will respond in kind)

I truly can not recommend this book enough, and urge all parents AND teachers to read it!

About the Author: Cynthia Ulrich Tobias, M. Ed., is founder and CE of AppLeSt. L.L.C. (Applied Learning Styles). Her background includes over twenty-three years of private practice and business ownership, eight years of teaching in public high school, and six years in law enforcement. Tobias is a best-selling author of numerous titles including The Way They Learn, Every Child Can Succeed, and Bringing Out the Best In Your Child. She and her husband live in the Seattle, WA area and are the parents of college-age twin boys.



Disclosure / Disclaimer: I received this book for review purposes on this blog, free of charge, from WaterBrook Multnomah.No other compensation, monetary or in kind, has been received or implied for this post. Nor was I told how to post about it.